Transference (Depression Series 04)

This was the night he was going to propose to her. He opened the box containing the ring and stared at it for a while. A tear ran down the right side of his face. It splattered on the concrete next to his foot. He took out the ring and let the box fall. It wasn’t much, but it reminded him of her. That’s why he got it for her in the first place.

Her memory was still fresh in his mind. He saw her everywhere he went and in everything he looked at. All the places they visited, he couldn’t go back to again. All the movies he watched with her, were no longer the same.

She lost the battle to depression. No. They lost. The night he lost her, he lost everything. It felt now that the depression was now hovering over his head like a dark cloud. It loomed over him. His gaze shifted from the ring to the flowing traffic ten stories below. His instep hung over the edge of the roof. All he had to do was lean forward and it would be over. All the sadness and all the pain. It would all just go away.

He rolled the ring across the tips of his fingers from pinky to thumb and back again. He used to do it with a coin. It was the one thing that he would always do to make her smile. No matter how many times he showed her, the coin would barely make it to the middle finger before falling. Then she’d laugh and snort. Every time. He focused on her smile. Her smile. He smiled then. He could still do that. It had been a while since he actually felt ok.

He thought about the pain he felt when losing her. He remembered that taking his own life would only transfer all his pain onto someone else. He could not do that. He would hold on. He knew that she would want that. He would hold on to the good memories he had of her. He would remember her smile.

He stepped down from the edge. The ring traveled across his fingers one last time. He pocketed it and headed for the door that led to the stairs. He would not be completely better tomorrow, but maybe the day after that. If not then, then maybe the day after that. He would take it one day at a time.

Part 3

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The Hidden Truth (Depression Series 01)

They were in love. He and her. Each from different walks of life. It was fate that brought them together that day at the bakery. Their orders were exactly the same. He chased after her on the sidewalk. When he caught up to her, he started the conversation and she engaged. That was it. They were bound together from that day.

They were perfect together. Everything just fit. It was all just right. If you ever saw them, you could tell that they were in love. They didn’t have to do anything. It was in the way he looked at her. In the way her body automatically responded to him.

She never told him how she felt when he left her. She was empty without him. He gave her so much life. More than he could ever know. Whenever he left she would be attacked by all her demons. Memories of the past that stayed on her mind all day.

She had no one to talk to. No friends. The only friends that she had were the mutual ones that she shared with him. She used to see a psychologist for her episodes, but she stopped. She was antisocial by choice. She never tried to go out of her way to make friends or meet people. She kept to herself unless he was there.

He never knew she cut herself. She hid that secret from him. He had never seen her entire body before. Even when they were intimate it was when the lights were already off. She wore long pajamas to be to cover the scars on her thighs. Three to five lines in a set. It was the only way she could release the pain from her body. It helped her to get through the episodes.

She wanted to tell him but didn’t know how he would react. He was helping her to cut less. Something inside kept the blade to her flesh. He knew that she might have been depressed, but he didn’t know how deep it went. She thanked him daily for the help he was doing with his love.

Part 2

Haunted Every Day

How do you deal with depression? I’m not even talking about your own depression. How do you help someone you love out of this hole they find themselves in?

The truth is that all you can do is be there for them. They will only get better if they want to. There’s no rushing then out of it. No loving them out of it. At that point your own insecurities come into play. Why aren’t you good enough? Why can’t you help? You know it’s not about you, but it’s hard to not think that way.

If you’re in love, I mean head over heels in love, then the fear of losing them haunts you Every. Single. Day. You know how depression usually ends. You expect to wake up one day and get the worst news of your life.

You’ll know that there was never anything that you could do. You wouldn’t force them to do anything that they didn’t want to do, so how would you get them to get help if they didn’t want it? Is it your fault? Even though you know it isn’t, that thought is now the one that haunts you Every. Single. Day.

Cutting it Off

They bullied her till she cried

She tried so hard just to fit in

Changed her appearance different times

Nothing seemed good enough

Ever

She wasn’t necessarily

Her own biggest fan either

She believed the words they threw at her

Because there was no other reason in her mind

Why things were like this

It sounded like the words were trapped

In the locs of her hair

Booming into her ears

So she cut it off to cut them out

And when she realized

The words were still there

Even after running out of hair

She started cutting herself

Depression was hard to run away from

She was drowning

With no one to save her

Hold On

Let me tell you something, if you feel like letting go
How to pick yourself up, so you no longer feel low
No matter what life throws at you, never stop from trying
Do everything else, you can even resort to crying
Try these steps out, I know you got friends
Doesn’t matter who, or how much time you spend
Ok, call them up, wait a while, let the phone ring
I know you want to hang up, but you’ll do no such thing
Ah, they picked up, now let your feelings out
Tell them everything, what the situation is about
Say what you need to say, keep nothing in
Let your soul speak out, from deep within
When you done venting, something good will come after
The both of you will feel happy, and be filled with laughter
Don’t you feel better? I knew this would help you
You can always do this, when you don’t have a clue
We’re here when you need us, only one call away
Some might leave, but the real friends will stay
We are all humans, I have no expertise
But I can tell you this, life comes with little ease
I’m always here, if you need someone to call upon
My message will remain the same, simply…Hold on