Why. Me.

I open my mouth to scream
To let out all this pain that resides in me
Nothing comes out
Not a sound
Throat still dry from the sobs
My eyes are leaking again
Though with the rate of flow
A leak would be an understatement
Nothing I do is ever good enough
What does that say about me?

So many people on this planet
Yet I feel like the last one alive
My head down in crowds
No one notices me
I have no one to love
No love directed my way either
Why am I even here?

Thought about ending it all again
But the nothingness I feel now
Was nothing compared to the nothingness
I knew awaited me on the other side
So I held back
Cut only deep enough to feel the release
Enough to let the thoughts cease
My ceiling fan still looked inviting though
And although they signify good to come
My Christmas lights would make the perfect noose

I don’t know how much longer I can feel this way
Locked away in solitude
Replaying memories of the painful times
They teased me so much
About everything
No matter how hard I tried
I would never fit in
Why didn’t I make friends?
Is something wrong with me?
Why did they constantly laugh at me?

I still try to scream
The knot in my throat keeps it in
But a whisper escapes from between my lips
Shuddered in the exhales
That I barely breathe