Tabula Rasa

I have been in my share of relationships and things have mostly been rocky. It wasn’t all bad, but when it was bad it was the pits. It was either a past that could not be let go of, an ex who I was constantly compared to, or a lack of faith in men as a species. If it wasn’t one of those, then it was insecurities. You wouldn’t believe how many women are insecure (but that’s for another time).

One thing that I have always done, whether by choice or habit, is to give a blank slate to each person at the beginning of the relationship. No matter what I was told in the dating stage about their past, it didn’t matter. I treated them as if they had never done anything and I didn’t let what I knew about them affect how I would treat them in the relationship. This made it easy for me to start fresh the next day after a bad day. It could have been the worst argument in history. By the next morning, everything was back to normal for me. Of course, I wasn’t going to forget what was said, but I also didn’t let it affect the way that I treated the other person.

Unfortunately for me, everything I said was too hurtful. Things always had a way of being thrown back in my face in some way. They would actually do things that I mentioned just to say that I was right about them. Almost like they had an excuse to do what they did because I expected it from them anyway. The truth was that I never expected anything. Even when it happened over and over. I expected good things from them from the start. I actually expected them to do the right thing each time. It was hard to explain that.

To this day, I still give blank slates after every argument and discussion. I expect the best from everyone, even those who may have wronged me at one point. No one is perfect and no one is always wrong either.

A little different from the normal post, but I like to express in different ways.

~ Silence

Walking Back to Her

I can’t live without her…

I know she must hate me for walking away, but we both knew that it was the best thing to do at the time. What matters now is that I am here. I want her. I need her. She stands in front of me and waits. Her head is bowed and she only looks at me occasionally. I smile at her when she looks up and she blushes, but she still doesn’t move. We are just here, three feet apart, looking at each other. No words are said. I feel the magnetism between us that is pulling us to one another and I know that she feels it too. I open my arms and she rushes to me. Her head lies on my chest next to her hand. I kiss her on the forehead.  I hold her. I know that she’s crying, so I don’t ask. I just let her and start thinking.

She’s Mine. I’m Hers.

I came back for her. I came back for me. I came back for us. It’s been too long that we ran away from the feelings we both had for one another. It’s been too long that we pretended that we are just friends. It’s been too long that we watched each other suffer in relationships we both knew wouldn’t work. It’s been too long that we denied ourselves of being happy by being selfless. We deserve better. We deserve each other. This step that we are about to take is the one we should have made in the beginning.

The future is in our hands…

This is where we were meant to be

I look to the future and I see her. I look in her eyes and I see my future. Life finally feels like it’s being lived to potential. I finally feel like I have purpose. I am complete. I am happy. I never knew what it was like to feel happy, but every day that I am with her, I know happiness. I wake and think of her and right before I drift off to sleep I think of her. Every moment in between, I am happy. Just knowing that she is mine and that we are finally together makes me happy. I can face anything with the feeling she gives to me.

My Vows…

Now that we are finally together, it is my duty to make sure that I keep her as happy as possible. I will not force it on her, but I will make sure that she is able to be happy. I cannot promise happiness, nor can I promise that nothing will go wrong. I can only promise to be there when I can. I will try my best to never let her down. If I make plans, I will see them through. I will never leave her feeling unwanted or that someone else can take her place. I will always listen first and then be heard. I plan for the occasional fight, but we will get through each one and come out stronger. We will never go to bed angry. We will always go to bed in love. I will always accept every bit of her, as I always have. Every nuance, every personality trait, every aspect of her life will be accepted. I accept her completely. I promise to love her for as long as both live. Nothing and no one will come between us.

I love her…

She finally takes her head off my chest and looks up at me. I come back to reality and look down at her, into her eyes. For the first time in a long time, she doesn’t break her stare. In what seems like an eternity, we just look at each other lovingly. Her head tilts and I bring mine down to her. We kiss. When we break, we still say nothing. We don’t’ need to say anything. We have always been able to speak to each other without words. I still need her to hear that I love her, so I tell her. A tear falls down her cheek and she says it back. I hold her close to me in an embrace I wish would never end. We are in love. This is forever.

 

If I lose myself in her and she loses herself in me, then we will find ourselves in each other…

(Image from Google)