Making Her Whole Again

He was whole and she wasn’t yet

He wondered what he could do

To help her

Like she helped him

He would stare at her and ponder

Come up with ideas

To keep her happy

It wasn’t a difficult feat

He hoped that the love he had for her

Would help her eventually feel

Complete

Altered Terrain (Yes Sir)

My days, night, everything feels different these days. All because one person is missing. Change is inevitable, but there are some changes that you never expect to go through. Even though the signs are there. Someone important to me, it seems, no longer wants to be a part of my life.

Did I do the unforgivable? The answer is yes. Did I intend to? Of course not. I couldn’t help but to care and the care began to multiply over time. Before I knew it, everything that I had once put away was rushing back.

A part of me knew that one consequence would be losing him, so I still tried to hold back. She needed me. Was I supposed to turn my back on her? Abandon her? Even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to. So I was there for her.

I did my best to push back. Step back. To give both sides advice to working things out. Isolating myself and being the objective third party. Stuck in a tug of war of loyalty. Never betraying either side. But that’s not what the world sees.

Things slowly started to change and I wondered if it was on purpose. One side faded while the other remained. One bailed on plans or plain out left me out. The other picked me up off the ground and told me it was alright. Maybe she should have been the one to abandon me. Leave me to be alone.

Not once during this whole thing have my feelings toward him changed, but I always knew that it wouldn’t be a mutual thing. I could imagine how he felt. I knew this was coming.

No more communication and God forbid I even try. I’m treated like a female who is annoying. Ignored. Brushed off. I don’t feel like I matter anymore. Yet still, I keep trying. I won’t give up until I’m told to. It’s a bad habit of mine. I just don’t want a future without him.

Maybe time with allow for things to settle back the way they once were. Time will heal all the wounds and bandage the bond that’s severed. Time will remind us of what used to be. For now, I’m just waiting.

I’m sorry if you feel betrayed.
I’m sorry that I love her.
I’m sorry it felt like you needed to leave.
I’m sorry.

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Uncertainty

How do you forgive someone for something that they may not even know that they did?

Patience takes you a long way.

The months of finding yourself and learning about yourself come into play here.

“No lashing out.
Listen first. Talk second.
Make sure you understand as best as you can.
Do not interrupt.
Talk without accusing.
Keep your voice down.”

It’s so easy to be angry. So easy to give in to the emotions that are running through you. You want to lash out. You want to shout.

For the first time in a long time, you fight it. You control it.

The feelings still remain. Still tempting. Clawing away at your resolve. You are at the edge of sanity, looking over. Jumping is easy. All it would take is a step.

No. A different person from the one in the past stands here.

You are stronger. You are better.

Walk away from the edge and face life. Grab the horns and take control. Push back at the things that want you to go over. Prove to yourself and the world that you are a bigger person.

At the end of the day, uncertainty will still exist about the right course of thought. Trust and understanding keep me grounded. In time everything will be fine. I know this. I may never forget, but for the sake of the future, I will forgive.

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