Why. Me.

I open my mouth to scream
To let out all this pain that resides in me
Nothing comes out
Not a sound
Throat still dry from the sobs
My eyes are leaking again
Though with the rate of flow
A leak would be an understatement
Nothing I do is ever good enough
What does that say about me?

So many people on this planet
Yet I feel like the last one alive
My head down in crowds
No one notices me
I have no one to love
No love directed my way either
Why am I even here?

Thought about ending it all again
But the nothingness I feel now
Was nothing compared to the nothingness
I knew awaited me on the other side
So I held back
Cut only deep enough to feel the release
Enough to let the thoughts cease
My ceiling fan still looked inviting though
And although they signify good to come
My Christmas lights would make the perfect noose

I don’t know how much longer I can feel this way
Locked away in solitude
Replaying memories of the painful times
They teased me so much
About everything
No matter how hard I tried
I would never fit in
Why didn’t I make friends?
Is something wrong with me?
Why did they constantly laugh at me?

I still try to scream
The knot in my throat keeps it in
But a whisper escapes from between my lips
Shuddered in the exhales
That I barely breathe
“W-w-why…
W-why…
Why…
Me.”

All This Love

What am I to do with this?

This big ole heart of mine

There’s so much love in it

All the potential in the world

To  make  one person feel special

It’s a blessing and a curse

With a heart do big

You can do great things

But it’s a big red target

For those who aim to harm

I’ll share it with anyone willing

Someone good

Someone true

Because that’s what you do

When you have excess love in you

I’ve found someone

Whose heart has been through

So much

After the turmoil

It shrank

Barely enough to fill two hands

All I can do is offer her some of mine

It’s fine

Because I have alot to give

She’ll always be first in line

For as long as I live

I’ll Love h3r

I Know

I want to take your hand in mine

But I am afraid that you won’t hold on

Or that when you do

You will want to be let go

I want to be here for you

The way that I am supposed to be

Though I have a feeling that I will be pushed

Away I will go because I can’t force anything

Never had the strength to fight

For myself for someone else

I want to tell you that I care

Into to your ears the words will flow

But will they go where I need them to?

Will your heart be eased by my words?

The past haunts you

The future is not bright enough

To drive the demons out

I will do my best

I will always do my best

Even when I feel that it might not do

Just because it is you

I will do my best

I want to tell you that I am here

That I am always here

And I always will be

But…

Will you believe m3?

To You From Me

Girl, I just wanted to let you know
That I respect that you want to take it slow
People told me not to rush
For now let’s be we instead of us

As the days go by, I don’t know how to feel
I sit and ask myself, “Silence, you sure it’s real?”
I mean it doesn’t matter how I spend my time
For some reason, you always cross my mind

One part says these feelings can’t be reciprocated
The other can only say maybe she’s on par
I should know from all I’ve been through
The closer things seem, the further they are

She doesn’t like me for my money
I don’t have a car or bling-bling
That’s cool with me ’cause I’m not after
That thing, that thing, that thi-i-i-ing

I will try to never hurt her
I don’t mean no harm
Sometimes it gets cold
I just want to keep her warm

Confused about reaching out
Never knowing when to start
Weary of where we travel to
Because we both have…

Fragile hearts

Ripped Open

You may never see what you mean to me
All I ask is that you take the time to look
I’m willing to offer myself to you fully
Make my life to you an open book
I really believe that it can work out
We can be each others good match
Because ever since I met you
I can’t help but to feel somewhat attached

I try to break free from the attraction
I don’t know why on me you have this effect
I never thought this could happen to me
But in life what can we really expect
I can’t begin to explain the feelings I get
Every time I look into those deep brown eyes
I’m sure the feelings could be seen on my face
Something that is hard for me to disguise

You bring the light to my darkness
Making everything seem to suddenly be clear
I feel like taking new risks with you
You have a way of taking away some of my fears
New feelings rush over me, more rivers than streams
I think you could be….the girl of my dreams
I’d rather give it to you than have someone else break it
So I’ll rip open my chest and yell to you…
“TAKE IT!”

Ten Percent

It’s not easy to feel this way
Yet I feel the need to show more
I want to give you something
That you never had before
You are close to me
I can still hold you closer still
If things continue going well
Sooner than later, I will
If it doesn’t feel like what you deserve
You have nothing to fear at all
We all need to start somewhere
The best things start out small

Everything that I do for you
Comes from the bottom of my heart
But the true feeling that I can show
Have yet to really start
The reason for my hesitance
Is that I stay protected
I can’t afford to give it all now
I need to keep some things unexpected
When looking into your eyes
I can almost clearly see
The acorn of love that we share
Growing into that great oak tree
I’m not crazy when I say
That I can love you more
You may think it’s impossible
But of myself I am sure

You should be more open minded
Not look at things only one way
The way things are now
Are not the ways they will stay
What you see
Is not always what you get
You may think I care now
Well, you haven’t seen anything yet
If you let me in your world
Then more feelings will surge
The love I show you right now
Is just the tip…
Of The Iceberg

Fireproof

Relationships are not fireproof
Sometimes we end up getting burned
We need to be able to walk out the fire
With a few new lessons learned
Fires can be things that are severe
Saying things that in the ears constantly chime
Some fires are mild and easily pass by
For example not spending enough time

Fireproof doesn’t mean fires will never come
Just that you are able to withstand
You should always be ready for anything
Things do not always go as planned
Love does not make relationships
It should be the other way around
Many times relationships are ended
Just because love is not quickly found

There are parasites that attack relationships
See the love and try to take it away
If you are not careful and protect yourself
You offer to them an open buffet
Be slow to anger and quicker to listen
This will give you much success
Take a second to see the other side
So the whole situation can be assessed

The eyes will always wander away
Try to stop them as hard as you can
But as much attention as you pay to the eyes
Pay even more attention to your hands
One of the double edges swords in life
Can come in the form of friend’s advice
At times it will help you out
Other times you pay a price

Love is not an easy thing to keep
It takes alot of time and determination
Love is not a house you stay in
From it there is no vacation
When you are in a relationship
Alot of energy is required
You never leave your partner behind
Especially in a fire

Don’t worry about the wounds
If you believe enough you wont lose
At times it may be hard to do
But if you find someone you adore
You’ll find out that love is not at all a fight
It’s something worth fighting for

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White Knight

A valiant Knight

Who fought for what was right

Took an oath to be true

With his hand on his chest

Would do whatever it took

To finish his quest

So he slays the fiercest dragons

Scaled the tallest towers

Fought off black knights

Beat wizards with powers

He crossed the seven seas

Charted through the lands

All this he did

While just merely a man

All what he did

Would leave many amazed

No matter what

He was always brave

But when it was time to rescue the princess

She did not want to be saved…

Measure

I don’t matter anymore
I guess that’s fine
Eventually I’ll get used to it
The feeling should subside with time
Or maybe it’ll last an eternity
Burning away at me from within
As I try to run, try to mask
While all I’ll be able to do is wonder
How did it begin?
Like that old favorite toy now forgotten
I’ll take my seat on the shelf
Collecting dust as time passes
Just here by myself

Waiting

Don’t know what else I could have done
I begged for you to Turn Around
Steps were still taken in the other direction
Maybe distracted by other sounds
The bottle I held out as an olive branch
Is now being held to my lips
I finally again know the feeling of warmth
For a moment I no longer have to come to grips
The friendly taste of elixir in my mouth
Will for a time wash the memories away
Sitting, looking out at the water
While the waves crash in the bay

Alone

I’ll accept the short bursts of happiness
I’ll take them for what they’re worth
For me they still have value
And maybe, just maybe a chance at rebirth

Altered Terrain (Yes Sir)

My days, night, everything feels different these days. All because one person is missing. Change is inevitable, but there are some changes that you never expect to go through. Even though the signs are there. Someone important to me, it seems, no longer wants to be a part of my life.

Did I do the unforgivable? The answer is yes. Did I intend to? Of course not. I couldn’t help but to care and the care began to multiply over time. Before I knew it, everything that I had once put away was rushing back.

A part of me knew that one consequence would be losing him, so I still tried to hold back. She needed me. Was I supposed to turn my back on her? Abandon her? Even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to. So I was there for her.

I did my best to push back. Step back. To give both sides advice to working things out. Isolating myself and being the objective third party. Stuck in a tug of war of loyalty. Never betraying either side. But that’s not what the world sees.

Things slowly started to change and I wondered if it was on purpose. One side faded while the other remained. One bailed on plans or plain out left me out. The other picked me up off the ground and told me it was alright. Maybe she should have been the one to abandon me. Leave me to be alone.

Not once during this whole thing have my feelings toward him changed, but I always knew that it wouldn’t be a mutual thing. I could imagine how he felt. I knew this was coming.

No more communication and God forbid I even try. I’m treated like a female who is annoying. Ignored. Brushed off. I don’t feel like I matter anymore. Yet still, I keep trying. I won’t give up until I’m told to. It’s a bad habit of mine. I just don’t want a future without him.

Maybe time with allow for things to settle back the way they once were. Time will heal all the wounds and bandage the bond that’s severed. Time will remind us of what used to be. For now, I’m just waiting.

I’m sorry if you feel betrayed.
I’m sorry that I love her.
I’m sorry it felt like you needed to leave.
I’m sorry.

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