30 Day Challenge – Day 05

Day 05 – A time you thought about ending your own life

Personally, I’m not really good on the subject of suicide. I’ve never attempted it, but I thought about it.

There were periods in my life when I felt like my existence meant little to nothing to those around me. I would think that if I were to go, no one would miss me. I didn’t find love where I wanted to, so I thought it wasn’t for me and ultimately, that this life wasn’t either.

With my fascination with ropes and knots, I would have probably hung myself. I found something to ground me and that was academia. I figured that I would put all of my focus and energy into that. The periods when I felt the worst are where you will find some of my best writing. That was another outlet that I used.

If anyone is feeling like they don’t matter. Trust me. You do. Just hold on and keep holding on. Someone loves you.

Why. Me.

I open my mouth to scream
To let out all this pain that resides in me
Nothing comes out
Not a sound
Throat still dry from the sobs
My eyes are leaking again
Though with the rate of flow
A leak would be an understatement
Nothing I do is ever good enough
What does that say about me?

So many people on this planet
Yet I feel like the last one alive
My head down in crowds
No one notices me
I have no one to love
No love directed my way either
Why am I even here?

Thought about ending it all again
But the nothingness I feel now
Was nothing compared to the nothingness
I knew awaited me on the other side
So I held back
Cut only deep enough to feel the release
Enough to let the thoughts cease
My ceiling fan still looked inviting though
And although they signify good to come
My Christmas lights would make the perfect noose

I don’t know how much longer I can feel this way
Locked away in solitude
Replaying memories of the painful times
They teased me so much
About everything
No matter how hard I tried
I would never fit in
Why didn’t I make friends?
Is something wrong with me?
Why did they constantly laugh at me?

I still try to scream
The knot in my throat keeps it in
But a whisper escapes from between my lips
Shuddered in the exhales
That I barely breathe
“W-w-why…
W-why…
Why…
Me.”

It Just May Be…Just Maybe

Sometimes I feel like I’m on cloud nine

Unfortunate enough to be shot down

Multiple times over the years

If only life were fair

Then I wouldn’t be here

Confused

Not knowing what to do

Asking myself

“How could this happen to you?”

I always put my best foot forward

Must mean everyone’s behind me

And they cannot see

The length of my stride

All they see is the foot left behind

I’m done talking

Done walking

Into situations that have little favor

I need to stop this destructive behavior

Before I’m pushed over the edge

Wedged between a rock and a hard place

Fighting logic with love

What was I thinking of?

There was no way I could win…

Not in this world we live in

Or it just may be

That just maybe

The problem resides…

In me…

Eternal Anguish

AAAAHHHHH!

How could this happen to me?

Fallen victim once again.

I swore it would never come to this.

I remember the day when

I was down on my knees,

Begging for a release.

Insomnia has become an unwanted friend:

There for me when all are asleep.

We became close easily,

Now a friend I hate to keep.

My head hurts…

Thoughts ringing through.

I don’t know what to do.

My voice is hoarse and ready to leave,

Surprised I can still shout.

Even if it were to go,

It’s something I can do without.

So I open my mouth

And let my heart scream:

It was becoming too much for the poor guy to endure.

Broke the down the lacrimal dams,

Let the tears leak onto the floor.

Their paths down my face

Are still clearly traced,

And their origins…

Just empty space.

My fists are clenched so tightly

That the flow of blood has almost stopped,

But through it all,

Not once has my pen dropped:

Bleeding every emotion that I feel

Onto these lines of these pages,

As I go through these stages

Of this thing called love.

In my chest it seems

That something is missing,

Listen…

Faint beat.

I’ve lost the feeling in my feet,

Knees once again to the floor,

Asking for nothing more

Than to not be awake.

How much more of this

Will I have to take?

I don’t want to live

With this constant

Heartache…

 

Hold On

Let me tell you something, if you feel like letting go
How to pick yourself up, so you no longer feel low
No matter what life throws at you, never stop from trying
Do everything else, you can even resort to crying
Try these steps out, I know you got friends
Doesn’t matter who, or how much time you spend
Ok, call them up, wait a while, let the phone ring
I know you want to hang up, but you’ll do no such thing
Ah, they picked up, now let your feelings out
Tell them everything, what the situation is about
Say what you need to say, keep nothing in
Let your soul speak out, from deep within
When you done venting, something good will come after
The both of you will feel happy, and be filled with laughter
Don’t you feel better? I knew this would help you
You can always do this, when you don’t have a clue
We’re here when you need us, only one call away
Some might leave, but the real friends will stay
We are all humans, I have no expertise
But I can tell you this, life comes with little ease
I’m always here, if you need someone to call upon
My message will remain the same, simply…Hold on