I Understand

I understand

You know me better

Than anyone else ever has

Yet sometimes I feel like

You don’t even see me

As though you’re looking

Right through glass

You only see the past

I understand

The things you do

Were once the only things

You were allowed

And for some reason

It’s hard for you to see

What you have infront of you

Right now

I understand

That you’re still hurting

Knowing that you’re hurting me

And my understanding

Is more painful

Than any words I can say

Could ever be

I understand

Sapiophilic

Have you ever listened to someone

Speak

With more than just their lips

And crave more from their mind

You want to find the source

You get drawn in by every word they say

They speak so differently from everyone else

Ever spoken to before

Your words for once are understood

They take in what you say

Then reply on the same level as you

Hours go by and talking continues

Intellectuals passing the time in conversation

Sharing thoughts and ideas

Truly understanding one another

It’s enough to cause some to fall

Attraction can build

Emotions may rise

Intelligence heightens the attraction

Till it becomes desire

For this

Sexy new edge

Altered Terrain (Yes Sir)

My days, night, everything feels different these days. All because one person is missing. Change is inevitable, but there are some changes that you never expect to go through. Even though the signs are there. Someone important to me, it seems, no longer wants to be a part of my life.

Did I do the unforgivable? The answer is yes. Did I intend to? Of course not. I couldn’t help but to care and the care began to multiply over time. Before I knew it, everything that I had once put away was rushing back.

A part of me knew that one consequence would be losing him, so I still tried to hold back. She needed me. Was I supposed to turn my back on her? Abandon her? Even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to. So I was there for her.

I did my best to push back. Step back. To give both sides advice to working things out. Isolating myself and being the objective third party. Stuck in a tug of war of loyalty. Never betraying either side. But that’s not what the world sees.

Things slowly started to change and I wondered if it was on purpose. One side faded while the other remained. One bailed on plans or plain out left me out. The other picked me up off the ground and told me it was alright. Maybe she should have been the one to abandon me. Leave me to be alone.

Not once during this whole thing have my feelings toward him changed, but I always knew that it wouldn’t be a mutual thing. I could imagine how he felt. I knew this was coming.

No more communication and God forbid I even try. I’m treated like a female who is annoying. Ignored. Brushed off. I don’t feel like I matter anymore. Yet still, I keep trying. I won’t give up until I’m told to. It’s a bad habit of mine. I just don’t want a future without him.

Maybe time with allow for things to settle back the way they once were. Time will heal all the wounds and bandage the bond that’s severed. Time will remind us of what used to be. For now, I’m just waiting.

I’m sorry if you feel betrayed.
I’m sorry that I love her.
I’m sorry it felt like you needed to leave.
I’m sorry.

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Different

The water that was thicker than blood has been diluted. Titrated over time and colors changing. Maybe just becoming more true. Nothing to do but get used to it. I mean, it’s not particularly unfamiliar. Just another point on the trend line. But it’s fine. Just didn’t expect it. Oh, the things we believe in.

It’s not my place to say that wishes are being misplaced. Not my place to say that the genie will never be able to deliver. The end that is being longed for will never come. I can’t say these things because it no longer seems like the things I say matter. If I don’t matter, what impact can my words have? What a feedback loop.

I’ve changed nothing though. I won’t. No need to. I’ll continue to do the things that I used to do. If it’s not recognized, it’s not on me. Blatant things are so hard to see. Blinded by what I don’t know. At the end of the day I know that I was consistent. Nothing more that I can do but let what is speak for itself.

I wish Peace, but I’ll never let it Out. I wanted Good, but you already said Bye. No help needed in the destruction. If anything ever mattered, you know I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.

Cryptic? Maybe. Meaningful? Definitely.

Uncertainty

How do you forgive someone for something that they may not even know that they did?

Patience takes you a long way.

The months of finding yourself and learning about yourself come into play here.

“No lashing out.
Listen first. Talk second.
Make sure you understand as best as you can.
Do not interrupt.
Talk without accusing.
Keep your voice down.”

It’s so easy to be angry. So easy to give in to the emotions that are running through you. You want to lash out. You want to shout.

For the first time in a long time, you fight it. You control it.

The feelings still remain. Still tempting. Clawing away at your resolve. You are at the edge of sanity, looking over. Jumping is easy. All it would take is a step.

No. A different person from the one in the past stands here.

You are stronger. You are better.

Walk away from the edge and face life. Grab the horns and take control. Push back at the things that want you to go over. Prove to yourself and the world that you are a bigger person.

At the end of the day, uncertainty will still exist about the right course of thought. Trust and understanding keep me grounded. In time everything will be fine. I know this. I may never forget, but for the sake of the future, I will forgive.

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Soul Mates

Soulmates…

A soulmate doesn’t always have to be the person that you marry.

A soulmate is anyone who you know is going to stay an important part of your life for a long time to come. They are people with whom you can connect. They people that you can lean on in times of need throughout life. Soulmates take you to another level of self. They make you a better person in more ways than one. I am one of the lucky few to stumble upon my soulmates. Yes, Plural. Two to be exact.

The love that I have for and with these two individuals transcends any love that I have experienced in my life. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for them and I know that that goes for them as well.

Him…

He went from friend, to best friend, to brother. It happened so quickly that I didn’t even see it happen. The other reason that I can’t time it is that it was so easy. We basically fell into place in each other’s lives. We had so much in common that it was like I was hanging out with myself. There is a mutual love between us. A mutual respect. I trust him with my life and I know that it goes both ways. We look out for each other. Whenever we have anything in surplus, we share with one another. He has done more for me than any human ever has. His last showcase of character brings me to tears daily. He gave me something that I know was probably the hardest thing he has ever had to give up. Just to bring me happiness. Disregarding his own. I love him.

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Brothers for Life

Her…

She was the apple of my eye once upon a time. We fell for each other easily. In light of events that took place, we had to back out of each other’s lives. We were selfless. Over the years, she remained close. Not by choice, but by circumstance. Day after day, we piled more dirt on the buried feelings that tried to rise like zombies from under the ground. Just like zombies, had the feelings come to ground, they would cause chaos in the peaceful lives that we were trying to keep. I’ve seen her cry and she has seen me cry. We’ve seen each other at our highs and lows. Even though we knew the way to stop the tears, we kept crying. It was easier to cry than to cause pain. I have always loved her.

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In Love Forever

Two soulmates.

The climax of the story.

My two soulmates were once each other’s soulmates. When I said that we had a lot in common, I wasn’t lying. The reason for my tears today is that my brother, my other half, gave up the thing he cherished most because he believed in me. He believed in me. He believed that I would treat her right and keep the pain from her eyes. He understood the pain that I was going through trying to find something that was right in front of me all along. I have to believe that it wasn’t easy for him. It would have killed me daily. He will never know the level of respect and love that I have for him because of how much he sacrificed. If it was strong before, the bond that we have now is shatterproof, waterproof, bulletproof. I will never let him down and I will make sure that his faith in me is rewarded and was not put in the wrong place. I will cherish her the way that he expects me to. I will not let him down.

I am in love with her. He can see it.

I love him. She knows it.

I am mentally and spiritually connected to them both. They both finish my sentences and I finish theirs too. Sometimes we have to tell each other to get out of our heads because we have this ability to know what the other is thinking with nothing more than a look. It is so natural that we do not even make note of it. When we are together, everything is great.

Hanging with him makes time speed by. Sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time for us to continue having fun. Sometimes we do simple things. Moments that are cherished. Grabbing a bottle of rum and drinking under the moonlight at a beach somewhere. Talking about everything and nothing. Making plans for our future. Just living life in the moment.

Spending time with her is a similar opposite. Time slows down, but there still isn’t enough of it. We do silly things. Things that make her happy. Collecting shells on the beach or looking at fish swim near a dock. Talking about everything and nothing. Making plans for our future. Just living life in the moment.

With them, I am something. Without them, I am nothing. They bring joy into my life and tear away at the fears and insecurities that I’ve lived with for longer than I can remember.

I love them both…

They both love me…

I am the luckiest man alive to be able to experience such love firsthand…

 

(Images from Google)